This Dispensation...

2010 October LDS General Conferences

2010-10-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

So many things are said during General Conferences. For me, the time between Fall Conference and Spring Conference seems like a very long time, yet between Spring and Fall seems to come along faster. I didn't want General Conferences to be over today. I wished they were ten hours each day, this weekend. I needed that spiritual food.

I am very grateful for technology. I love that I can go back and watch Conference talks the same evening. I can clarify questions that arose, or re-listen to a sentence that felt it was said just for me. That, for me is a very good thing, for a couple of reasons.

I need too. I came away more disturbed today, than I did uplifted. I need to prayerfully go back and listen to every talk, especially one. I need to make sure I did not misunderstand what a certain GA said.

It's late now, and I want to be clear headed and feeling at peace. I need to go have prayer and read my scriptures and sleep.

I will follow President Monson's admonition:

"The 3 R's of Choice - the right, responsibility and result."

"Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to us."

Today

2010-10-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

Today Is Friday.

Today is ok.

Ok is good

And Life is a Carnival, right?

You can walk on the water, drown in the sand
You can fly off a mountaintop if anybody can
Run away, run away--it's the restless age
Look away, look away--you can turn the page
Hey, buddy, would you like to buy a watch real cheap
Here on the street
I got six on each arm and two more round my feet
Life is a carnival--believe it or not
Life is a carnival--two bits a shot

Saw a man with the jinx in the third degree
From trying to deal with people--people you can't see 
Take away, take away, this house of mirrors 
Give away, give away, all the souvenirs 
We're all in the same boat ready to float off the edge of the world
The flat old world
The street is a sideshow from the peddler to the corner girl 
Life is a carnival--it's in the book 
Life is a carnival--take another look

Hey, buddy, would you like to buy a watch real cheap
Here on the street
I got six on each arm and two more round my feet
Life is a carnival--believe it or not
Life is a carnival--two bits a shot

Lyric's "The Band"

Put one foot in front of the other...

That's all that matter's.

Keep on keeping on...------->

I am really glad General conferences are this weekend.

I need the spiritual food.

"I delight in the Lord's mercies and miracles (see "Bless Our Fast, We Pray," Hymns, no. 138). I know that His tender mercies and His miracles, large and small, are real. They come in His way and on His timetable. Sometimes it is not until we have reached our extremity. Jesus's disciples on the Sea of Galilee had to toil in rowing against a contrary wind all through the night before Jesus finally came to their aid. He did not come until the "fourth watch," meaning near dawn. Yet He did come. (See Mark 6:45-51.) My testimony is that miracles do come, though sometimes not until the fourth watch."

Susan W. Tanner, "My Soul Delighteth in the Things of the Lord," Ensign, May 2008, 83

Mental Health in the Church: Suggestions for Leaders

2010-06-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

From Jeff Lindsay:

(Thank you for your kindness, understanding and inspiration Jeff)

There is a serious issue that I'd like to raise, especially for you who are or who will be leaders in the Church. The issue is mental illness. Very few of us have had any training in recognizing and dealing with mental illness, but there is a great need. I would especially urge bishoprics, Relief Society presidents, and other leaders to learn about mental illness and look for its symptoms. Stake leaders, it may be helpful to provide more training about mental from competent sources for your leaders so they can better deal with the many forms of mental illness that afflict some of our members.

I think my biggest surprises when I was a bishop came from experiences with those who suffered from various forms of mental illness. Some had kept their suffering hidden for years without ever getting help, but how much help was needed all that time. The most serious problems involved those who had been abused as children. I could spend hours writing about what a hell sexual abuse creates for its victims, and how it can inflict such terrible and lasting harm on the human mind. For example, I am absolutely convinced of the reality of multiple personality disorder (an amazing way for the mind to protect itself in the worst of times). Dealing with it in depth as a frightened and inexperienced bishop was one of my most painful and rewarding experiences, a journey that showed me in profound ways just how loving and real and merciful our Savior is, and how great His love is for those who have suffered the most. CLICK TO CONTINUE READING HERE...

Two Years Ago Today...

2010-04-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today

I said to myself
No more.
Two years ago today
I made a choice
That broke my heart.
Two years ago today
I left my dog and cat
It was a choice.
Two years ago today
I chose Life
Because if I didn't
I was going to eventually be killed.

Two years ago today
I had a window
of three hours.
I packed what I could
in my Get Away Van
The one God gave me
The day before.

There was no gas
It was 25 degrees out
I coasted down the mountain
And slept in a shed so he couldn't find me.
I cried for my animals and their safety.
I had no where to go
I had no money
He took everything from me.

My dignity
My sanity
NO MORE.
NO MORE!

I hid the van
( I had traded it for a .22 pistol the day before)
in the trees
grateful for the pioneer that had built this shed
that I had been eyeballing
for months.
I knew it was there.
I found it 4 wheeling with my dog.
The important thing was
He didn't.

I had my below zero sleeping bag
and 2 tarps.
One for the ground
One to cover me.
I could see the stars through the missing boards
that used to be a roof.
It was freezing...but I was warm, in an odd way.
I wondered if I would die of hypothermia
and prayed that he didn't hurt
Mikey and Mitzy.
That was the hardest...leaving
my sweet, loyal animals.
I knew I couldn't take them to shelter and
I knew that was where I had to go.
I couldn't believe it.
He stuck a gun in my face!
He stuck a gun in my face!
Then he went to Church
Screaming at me as he walked out the door
Because I was late.
Why was I ashamed?

I was late all right.
I planned it.
I knew I would have that
three hour window
Before he would get back.

So I stayed in the shed
Two years ago tonight.
Tomorrow was going to be another day
A safe day....
Two years ago tomorrow.

Jesus said: "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk." John 5:8 KJV

I am.

I am purging...Yesterday can finally be gone...Today is here...
And the Future is once again
Bright.

Slip Sliding Away...

2010-04-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

Wow.

I have been thinking a lot about why I started writing this blog. The purpose was...write about the Lord before I write about NASCAR. Put my energy first into The Gospel, before I even looked at any of my feeds, or did any of the Social Media I do for race teams...etc...etc...If you look at the date of the previous post, you can see how well I have done.

I repent!

Another purpose was to connect with other members throughout the world...read LDS Blogs, keep The Gospel in the forefront. I am on the computer so much, I can get quite isolated, which is:

A. Not very healthy,

B. Not good for the size of my butt.

C. Etc...etc...on and on... Ad nauseum.

So I am committed to once again...Begin the Begin.. Again.

I have lived for several years in a small town in Eastern Oregon, recovering from a very abusive marriage. I am so grateful The Lord placed me where He did. (And He did place me there.) He plopped me right in the middle of no where...knowing that that was exactly where I needed to be, with exactly the people and services He needed me to be with.

Recently He brought me back to Boise. I had been thinking about it, planning it, and praying for a way that I could do the move myself. It seemed an impossible task. I had been laid off my "real" job that paid an hourly wage, didn't have enough hours in the past two quarters to draw unemployment, and had become totally dependent on the Church for my basic needs and necessities.

But He lifted me up and out of there...back to Boise where all my children and grandchildren are. I had Easter, for the first time in years, with all my girls and their families. My best friend since 6th grade has provided me with a beautiful home...one I could never of dreamed of living in. One of my race teams has provided me with a fancy schamcy phone with unlimited everything on it... my needs are met for this month. Things are picking up in my freelance work. I am looking for a "real" job...praying for The Lord to pick the perfect one for me. I know He will provide me with exactly that.

So Onward, Ever Onward... and more later. I have a lot to write, two very important anniversary dates I want to expound upon, along with insights about the lessons and experiences those anniversaries represent to me.

Blessed Be!

Our Private Lives ~ Henri Nouwen

2009-02-23T08:46:00.000-08:00

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.

Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

**artist credit Ine Veen Henri Nouwen.org

Healing

2009-02-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

Healing Affirmation for Today

Divine love heals and restores me. I am alive, alert, and enthusiastic about life. As I enter into a quiet time in the silence, all"worry thoughts" slip away. I give thanks that divine love created me and is continually healing me.

As I relax into God's loving presence, any physical or emotional pain is replaced with an encompassing sense of joy that surpasses all understanding. I take a moment to focus on each part of my body, feeling all tension evaporating, knowing that complete restoration is taking place. Slowly, gently coming back to an awareness of my surroundings, I feel both relaxed and refreshed. I understand that God is enfolding me in unconditional love and acceptance. I affirm what I know is true:

Divine love heals and restores me.

I am alive, alert, and enthusiastic about life.

"He grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, being fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised."--Romans 4:20-21

How Big is Your Bucket?

2009-02-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

God has many blessings in store for you! He has favor in your future like you've never imagined. He wants to take you places you've never even dreamed of. But in order for us to partake of all these blessings, we have to increase our capacity to receive.

Think about this: if you have a one-gallon bucket, and someone has fifty gallons to give you, the problem is not with the supply. The problem is that you don’t have the capacity to receive the fifty gallons. But, if you get rid of that small

container and get something larger, then you will be able to receive more. It’s the same way with God. If we think we’ve reached our limits, the problem isn’t that God doesn’t have the resources or the ability.

The problem is that our container is too small. We have to enlarge our vision and make room for the new things God has for us. Our attitude should be, “Yes, the economy is down, but I know God is still on the throne. I know wherever I go His goodness and mercy follow me.” When you have that kind of attitude, you’re increasing your capacity to receive so that you can live the abundant life He has in store for you.

Father in Heaven,

Thank you for loving Me.

Today

I choose to increase my capacity to receive from You. I let go of limited thinking and old mindsets, and I open myself to everything You have

in store for me.

In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

The Greatness and Power of God ~ In Us.

2009-02-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

Do we really know that we have greatness inside of us? The Holy Spirit actually dwells within us. We have all the power and authority in heaven and earth living on the inside of us!

All throughout life, God gives us opportunities to discover that greatness on the inside of us. When we overcome obstacles, we are tapping into that strength and greatness within. One thing I've learned is that Heavenly Father doesn't allow big challenges to face small people. He never allows any challenge to be greater than what we can handle. Sometimes it feels that way.

You may be facing something big today. It may seem like it's over your head, but that is a sure sign you’re a big person with a big destiny. You may feel small, you may not see how it's going to work out, but you've got to remember who you are; a child of The Most High God. You have been created in His image. You're wearing your crown of favor, and you are carrying His greatness on the inside of you. Have the attitude that says, "This may be extraordinary, but I know I'm an extraordinary person serving an extraordinary God." Stand in faith knowing that you have the victory because you have His greatness living on the inside of you!

Heavenly Father, I thank thee for Thy Greatness on the inside of me. I choose to stand in faith today knowing that with Thee, I will overcome every challenge and every obstacle. I bless Thy holy Name.

In the Name of Jesus Christ who hath made it possible for me to return to Thee.

Amen.

Remember...

Mastery is not measured by the number of terrible

things you eliminate from your life, but by the number of times you eliminate calling them terrible.

Today...

2009-01-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

I believe God wants us to know, each of us, individually...

....that you are loved on this day for all the wonder that

you bring to your world with the gift of being you.

Hard to believe, isn't it, that you are that special in the

eyes of Heavenly Father? Yet you are--and not because of what

you have done, but because of who you are. You are

God's own creation, an expression of Divinity in human

form.

The fastest way to experience this is to be the vehicle

through which others sees it in themselves. Each person

is walking his or her path and doing his or her best. God

knows this and that is just one reason why He loves us all.

The Power of Silence

2009-01-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

Vast and Potent is Silence...
All sounds, from a whisper to a classical symphony, arise out of silence and disappear into silence. But silence is always there beneath sound and is the space where sound can exist. We tend to think of silence as the absence of sound, but silence has its own weight and quality. When you listen to silence, you can perceive its intense depth and power. Taking the time to experience silence calms the mind and rejuvenates the body. Silence is the void where we can hear the many sounds that we often ignore – the voice of our intuition telling us the truth, the sound of the breeze blowing, the hum of the radiator, and the noises we make just because we are alive.

One way to experience silence is to wake up before the rest of the world has come alive. Try not to move into activity, and leave off the lights, radio, and television. Sit still and simply listen. You may hear your heartbeat or your breath, but keep your attention tuned to the silence that surrounds you. Stay this way for as long as you can, and allow the sound of silence to penetrate your body until it moves into your core. Feel the gentle, pulsing waves of silence and allow it to cleanse you. Five minutes of communing with silence can leave you feeling vibrant and connected to Our Heavenly Father, and the universe.

At night, choose a moment after everyone around you has retired and tune in to silence. You can also experience silence throughout the day. Even in the midst of activity, moments of silence are always present. Usually we ignore or feel nervous around silence and try to fill these moments with sound. Yet silence is always there – vast, potent, and available for us to step into any time we choose.

He Lifts Us Up!

2009-01-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

Funny, how we falter at the smallest things...Thank goodness for repentance and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

As I have written before, I am also a NASCAR writer. I found that one of my biggest faults is putting more time into NASCAR than I do The Gospel. I think more about NASCAR than I do Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, at times. The main purpose of starting this blog, was to commit to Heavenly Father to always put Him first in my life. No excuses. Once again...I have not kept that promise, as shown by the lack of posting here.

We are all counselled to pray, read our scriptures daily and put the Lord first. How many times have I heard, and found true in my own life, that when I read my scriptures every day, my day runs smooth and I feel and see the Lord working in my life. When I don't drop to my knees the first thing every day...well, you know what happens. I am frazzled, overwhelmed and cannot focus. I run around trying to accomplish things, all the while accomplishing nothing...except my NASCAR writing. I certainly find time for that now don't I?

It's not like I am not praying on those days, and I know He hears and listens to me. It's the action of kneeling and focusing completely on Him that makes the difference. I will think, as I am rushing to get things done, "Oh! I forgot to kneel!" and then I will tell Heavenly Father I am sorry and think in my head immediately after, I will do that in a minute. By that time I am rushing around, probably running late for something, or late on a deadline. So the Lord gets procrastinated. My special time with Him gets procrastinated. Who loses out there? I do. He does. He wants to spend time with me. He loves me. Am I reciprocating that love back? Do I treat Heavenly Father like a neglected child at times? Yes... I do.

Same goes with scripture time. When I don't read my scriptures, again...the day does not go as smoothly. Do you know how much reading I have to do to keep up with my NASCAR and Racing World? A lot. Hours are spent on the Internet, reading, noting, Twitting...I receive hundreds of emails a day that I have to sort through. Can I not put at least a chapter or two of the Scriptures in there first? Yes, I can. Do I? Not always.

I have had a lot of changes in my life the past 6 months. I used to have a set and solid routine of prayer and scripture time every morning...first thing. My life was blessed for that. I felt it. I lived it. With changes have came changes in my routine. I am recommitting to Heavenly Father, that I will pray first, read my scriptures first and write here first...before NASCAR. I may have to get up a little earlier to do it, but He is certainly worth it.

I sent out emails to some of my ward members about this blog. Explained to my Home Teacher's my reasoning and commitment, so that I also have others to hold me accountable and give me a nudge when I need it.

I have received an incredible job offer, in the NASCAR world, which involves touring, radio, TV and and raising funds for the second part of the job, a Non-Profit which will help support the old drivers from the 40" 50's 60's and 70's who are now getting up there in age. They had no 401k's. The didn't make huge amounts of money like the driver's of today do. They might have won $5000.00 in a race, but it cost them fifteen thousand to get to the race with a running car. They didn't have the safety features we have now. There were a lot more deaths' and serious injuries. These men and their families are now well up in age. Many do not even have much of a Social Security pension, as it didn't exist then, or they were not required to pay into it as we are now. They, being up in age need help, and part of this job will be raising money for those Legend's of NASCAR. I need a clear head, heart and mind to make this decision as to whether I take it or not. It would require me being across the country. I did not seek this job out. It was an out of the blue offer. It is a huge decision and I want to be sure I am making the correct one as I sort this out. Right now, my mind goes from being clear and at total peace about it, to befuddled.

I ran across this, in an email this morning:

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair…He set my feet on solid ground…He has given me a new song to sing…" (Psalm 40:1-3, NLT).

That scripture is what the Lord has done in my life the past year and continues to do every day. I just need to remember... He lifted me and gave me a new song. I am so grateful. I need to show my gratitude in a deeper way to Him. He took me out of a pit that felt like a pit of Hell.

It was a pit of Hell. He delivered me from an abusive relationship that was not going to

change.

He knew it.

Did you ever wonder why The Book of Mormon has the word "Remember" in it so many times?

I just need to remember...to remember!

Why do we forget so easily?

I want you all to know that I have a Testimony of Jesus Christ. I know that He loves us beyond comprehension. I know He inspires our leaders with incredible precision at times. He inspires each of us. My prayer for all of us is that we hear and act on that inspiration and nudge from The Comforter. May we truly have an understanding of The Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I say and ask this in the name of Jesus Christ...Amen

Have you ever felt like you were in a pit of despair? Just like Heavenly Father lifted David out, He is going to lift you out. Where you are right now is not where you’re going to stay. There are brighter days up ahead for you filled with favor, promotion, and increase. As you walk uprightly before Him, no good thing will He withhold from you.

Notice that He gives us a new song. We have to do our part to sing that song. That means you don’t go around talking about your problems, how bad things are, or how you’re never going to make it. No, you have a song of victory! If somebody asks you how you’re doing, your attitude should be, "I’m too blessed to be stressed! I’m moving forward in strength and power." Remember, praise precedes the victory, and the scriptures tells us that God is enthroned on our praises. As you magnify and lift Him up, He will lift you up out of your despair. He’ll set your feet on solid ground, and you’ll move forward in joy and victory in every area of your life.

I am so grateful for His love and that he has lifted me up in victory. Paul compared living The Gospel to a race...to press forward. Our LDS pioneers who went through so much for The Lord, to live the Gospel of Jesus Chris. Pressed on...Pressed on....

Let's all press on today.

May you all so Blessed Be...

Happy New Year! On this day of our lives...

2009-01-01T15:23:00.000-08:00

On this day of our lives, I believe God wants us to know...that every day is a New Beginning because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

A new cycle begins this day, yet a new cycle begins every day. Indeed, every moment. So if you recognize anything on this day, recognize what it symbolizes:

The miracle of the endlessly continuing Cycle of Life.

What a grand day! What a time for celebration! We begin again today! We turn the page! And so, let go of all that you do not wish to carry with you any further.

Any fear, any sadness, any anger, any resentment, any disappointment, any lament...let it all go. And now, using the specialness of this day as a springboard,

Let's get on with Life!

Thank Heavenly Father for the Miracles he brings us daily. For in each day, there is a Miracle. The Miracle that we have been bought and paid for. Atoned for...

Atonement = At-One-Ment.

Ponder on this:

I am in Him, as He is in Me and We are One Together.

I challenge you all to read John 14 today.

Blessed Be!

I believe...

2008-09-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

~I Believe~

Centered in God, I live a life of excellence.What I believe is reflected in my life every day. I honor God and the gift of life by believing in myself and in the potential that lies within me. I am the healthy, prosperous, and wise person God created me to be. My beliefs guide the choices I make. Knowing I've been given unique talents and skills, I use my gifts in wise and loving ways that serve myself and others. Knowing that I am a child of God, I set high standards for myself so that I live a life of excellence--mentally, physically, and spiritually. Centered in God, I have purpose in being a unique expression of divine life in the world. I believe in myself and in the power and presence of God moving in and through me. With God, I am all that I am meant to be. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Sarah Palin

2008-09-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

I will borrow from Ileza A. from CA's word as she speaks my sentiments exactly with eloquence and truth:

Sarah Palin is the classic example of a woman being used by those in power to remove power from women. If a man, with the same abysmal record against women's and children's issues, against environmental issues, in support of teaching creationism in schools, and with a complete lack of sophistication and international experience, had been named the vice presidential candidate (as McCain's running mate, potentially the oldest president ever elected), there would have been an undisputed national outcry for his fringe and retrograde stances. It is as if, because Sarah Palin is a woman and a mother, she is above being criticized for her anti-woman and anti-child legislation.

People magazine can focus on the feel-good aspects of her supporting her pregnant daughter and loving her autistic child. That's all very sweet, but it is irrelevant to the role she is seeking to fill and it can't make her horrific political profile any more palatable.

I am disgusted and yet not surprised to see a woman used against women. Divide and conquer has been an effective strategy since the beginning of time.

Ditto.

Thank you, Sister.

Why I live in the Boon Docks

2008-08-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

Rebecca's Blog: Surprise In A Box!

2008-08-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

In His love He chose us, actually picked us out for Himself as His own, in Christ, before the foundation of the world that we should be holy… (Ephesians 1:4 AMP).

What a wonderful idea... We all gain from Rebecca's gift, the inspiration along with thinking...what would I put in my box for Rebecca if I were chosen? I think it would be fun to just start a round-robin where each of us made little boxes each day...alas the postage might become to expensive for some of us. I think the idea, tho, could be incorporated into a Ward as an ongoing family activity. Thank you Rebecca! I shall check for inspiration each day! What a blessing you are!
Rebecca's Blog: Surprise In A Box!

I decided to share a picture today of Cracker Creek, near Bourne, OR. I am so blessed to have such beauty all around me. It goes well with my White Bison meditation and prayer for the day:

"Nature is the storehouse of potential life of future generations and is sacred."
--Audrey Shenandoah, ONONDAGA Tribe

We need to honor and respect our Mother Earth. She is the source of all life. The sun shines life to the earth, then the earth produces life in all forms and in a balanced way. Everything is here to serve everything else. If we interrupt the flow in any way, we leave nothing for the future generations. Before every decision is made, we should ask, and answer, a final question, "If we do this, what will be the effects on the seventh generation? What will we cause our children to live with?" We need to have respect and love for all things and for all people. We need to do this for ourselves and for all the children still unborn.

My Creator, let me look at nature today and let me have the highest respect for all the things I see. All the two legged, the four legged, the winged ones, the plants, the water, the air, the Mother Earth. Let me have respect for myself.

In the name of Jesus Christ I pray,
Amen.

Blessed Be.

How quickly time flies...

2008-08-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

Time

I think my blog is going to be a reflection of how much I am relying on Heavenly Father and how much I am relying on my Self.

I am not going to make this blog another tool to beat myself up. It's a tool for me to be closer to Christ. A tool for meditation and reflection. A place to be honest and open. A place to just be me.

I was searching for words to write about time this morning, when I came across this post at Hieng to Kolab.

I was 22 years old. I was pregnant with my third daughter. I was a convert to the Church and my 1 year membership anniversary had passed. I was so excited about going to the temple to be sealed to my husband. I had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and my husband, a returned missionary, had adopted them so we could have them sealed to us for all time and eternity. Life was so wonderful. I was ecstatic.

My husband had told me a little about the Temple ceremony, but not much. My R.S. President had told me the same thing my husband did, which was mainly about the garments and care. Basically, don't ever let anyone see them and don't let them touch the floor. If they wear out or you get blood stains on them, burn them, don't just throw them away.

We went to the Logan Temple. ( **The sessions there were still live, as were the sessions at the Salt Lake Temple. I am so glad I got to see that, now.) I was so confused. No one told me about the anointing, and I was so confused that a Sister could perform a Priesthood Ordinance.
So that started out fro me to be a totally freaked out, completely confusing, horrible day that should have been the most important day of my life. I was crying once I got to the Celestial room, but they weren't happy tears. I didn't say anything...I let everyone think they were happy tears and shut my emotions down so I could enjoy the sealing and how lovely my daughters looked.

I went to many many sessions in the next few years, trying to understand, feeling as if there were something wrong with me, because I questioned many things. I had and still have a love of deep doctrine. I love the early writings of the Prophets.

I had a lot of questions. I asked my Bishop, and Stake President of these seemingly inconsistent things I was learning in the old writings. I was told, somethings aren't meant to be answered right now. Don't question, just trust and have faith.
I believed that if the Church was TRUE, then it would be completely true in all things, and there would be no inconstancy anywhere, especially in a Prophets writings.

My Testimony was crumbling. I was confused, angry and totally befuddled.

There was a Sister who I greatly admired in my ward. Her husband was in the bishopric, they had a bunch of perfect kids, she was a counsellor in the Relief Society. She was the perfect LDS woman. I so wanted to be just like Sister King (name changed). There were a couple other families like that in our ward, and I wanted my family to be just like that. As perfect in every way as possible (more about that someday). Sister King and I shared a love of the old writings. She lived 3 houses away from me.

Sister King had a neighbor who went to another Church and had given her a copy of The God Makers. Sister King, knowing she had a strong testimony of the Gospel, read it, thinking that would be a good missionary tool to communicate with her neighbor. The neighbor was happy to share other Anti-Mormon writings with her and did.

Sister King left the Church. She was a little hyper-vigilant and defensive at the time, so she was treated like she had the plague. She truly believed that all Mormons were going to have a big surprise and be doomed to Hell for not worshipping the right Jesus and performing priestcrafts/witchcraft.

She missed her LDS family. Her world was upside down. But she was determined in her belief that she had been deceived her entire life. We became very close. She asked me to read the God Makers and tell her what I thought. I did, following every reference and scriptural passage.
I read the rest of the books and went to Church with her, and I too, ended up leaving the Church. For over 20 years.

I will write more about my journey as an Apostate and return to the Gospel and the Church in later posts. My point in all this, and referencing the post "Teaching to Women" at Hieng to Kolob is this:

1. If a sister had taught, what the Sister in reference did, to me, before I went to the temple the experience would have been completely different for me. I was freaked out and confused instead of being able to understand the holy experience.

I am so thankful Heavenly Father never gives up on us. He brought me back home, slowly cracking through my barriers, which started at the Temple. Satan did his job on me, and well. Jesus in turn, truly saved me from the depths of Hell.

2. How wonderful it is, that maybe some young brother will sees the difference in how we are taught as women and men.

3. The Church is growing spiritually, just as we are.
The time has come, when we will be more aware of the Fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There is so much we don't know, and so much Satan has blinded us with.The time has come for us to truly live the Gospel in love and love Christ as Heavenly Father would have us love him. Not with fear.

The Church is growing... and She shall show us why She is called She.

Do I know the Church is true?

Oh, yeah!

I know what Hallelujah means.

Blessed Be.

Guidance ~ James 1:5

2008-07-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. ~ James 1:5

James is writing a pastoral letter to encourage those who are facing trials. He is really speaking to all of us because we are all facing various trials in this broken world. James wants them to see that all their trials, large and small, are testing their trust in Heavenly Father.

As we go through trials we are faced with the choice to live as if Heavenly Father is good, active, and present or to act as if He isn't hearing us, caring about us, and able to bring good out of this struggle. James reminds his readers in the first paragraph of his letter that we can trust that our trials will add up to joy because as we count on The Father and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Through them our confidence in is strengthened and they will bring us to completion through The Atonement. Jesus has made us truly perfect, able perfectly to receive His life and love for us. We will be filled with His fullness, lacking in nothing.

When we are in the midst of some difficulty, it can be hard to see beyond the immediate circumstances. James encourages his readers to go through their trials looking at the endpoint, where all of one's life is going. Heavenly Father is taking us to the point of being "perfect and complete". Nothing less. This is what these present struggles will add up to as we count on Him to be at work in our lives.

In the end we will lack nothing. But now, in the midst of struggles we may be lacking something, namely, wisdom. Wisdom for what? Well, if we look at what precedes this verse, it would seem that James is talking about wisdom to get through the trials. I am sure you have at times, like I have, struggled to know how to pray or what to do in the midst of trying circumstances. It is not usually immediately apparent to me what decisions to make when I am "under fire". Behind the struggle to know what to do is a lack of wisdom about God. In trials, we can easily forget who God is. We wonder if He really is good, or interested in us.

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." ~ Mosiah 4:9

James assumes that we are likely to lack wisdom to get through our trials. So he encourages his readers to ask God and assures them that wisdom will be given them. God desires that we are wise, for wisdom enables us to walk through life in confidence that we are participating in His good work in our lives and in the lives of others. But where do we begin to find wisdom? James does not say to seek wisdom first about our particular trials. He wants us to start somewhere else.

James includes in this verse a short description of the God he is telling them to ask. He tells them about this God of whom he is a servant. God "gives to all men generously and without reproaching." Now why does James include this here? Why doesn't he just tell them to ask God and He will give it to them? He is reminding them of the character of God because this is the very thing about which they are lacking wisdom and they might be tempted not to bother asking God. If I am unsure that God cares for me in my circumstances, then I am less likely to ask help of the only one who can really provide it. James knows they are struggling with their faith and so he lovingly builds it up by reminding them of the truth of who God is.

First of all, God is a God who gives. God is a giving God. That is who He is, not something He occasionally does. Who is He? He is the One who gives. In the midst of trials, we are tempted to forget this. Maybe we worry that He is a God who mostly takes. We wonder, will God give anything to us now? Can He?

Secondly, God gives generously. We may believe He will give, but wonder how much. Is God a stingy God? Is it His nature to give begrudgingly? No, James says. He not only gives, but is generous. God delights in abundance. This section reminds me of the story of the shepherds in Luke. Really one angel would have been sufficient for the shepherds to get the good news of Jesus' birth. But God sends a whole company to sing and praise, for a group of forgotten shepherds on a hillside. I am so glad James reminds me of this generous God, because it isn't easy to see this about Him when I look at some of my trials. I need to be reminded again and again of His true character, seen most clearly in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

Thirdly, God gives generously to all. When we are struggling, are we often tempted to believe, yes, sure God gives and is even generous--just not to me. I often notice what I think is evidence that God is giving more to someone around me than He is to me. Does He really see me, here, in this time of trial? Does He play favorites?

Lastly, God gives without reproach. This is wonderful to remember. I need not fear God's reproach. Will me make He "pay" for His generosity? Will He upbraid me first for my lack of faith, or my puny obedience before He is gracious? Will he make me feel like I wished I had never asked or that this will be the last time I ask? I have to admit, I find this amazing because I see in my own heart that I often desire to reproach first before I will be giving. Most of us want to make sure that our children really are sorry, or that our husbands know how much they have hurt or disappointed us. God gives without reproach? Unbelievable! You have to be kidding!

Do we give without reproach?

"Now it is better that a man should be judged of God than of man, for the judgments of God are always just, but the judgments of man are not always just."~ Mosiah 29:12
"And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged." ~ Moroni 7:18

Could the fact that we make others fear our reproach be why we don't trust God to give without reproach?

This section reminds me of the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. When the Father sees his wayward son, still a long way off, he runs to him and embraces him. He cuts his son off as he is in the middle of his little speech and orders the servants to honor his son. What amazes me is not just what the Father says, but what he doesn't say. If I were the Father, I would have wanted to hear just how sorry my son was before I welcomed him back. I would be tempted to make him earn, so to speak, my mercy, by his groveling. James knows his readers might be tempted not to turn to God for wisdom in the midst of their trials because they fear His reproach. So he takes the time to remind them of the true heart of their Heavenly Father.

God desires to help us to grow in our ability to count on Him as we walk through the difficulties that are inevitable in such a broken and lost world. We need His help even to have the faith to count it all joy. We do not have wisdom on our own. I am thankful for this letter that we are reminded that God is a giving, loving Father, ready to provide us with the wisdom we need to grow in our ability to receive from Him the life He has for us. I admit that asking for wisdom is not always the first thing I do in a trial. I may focus so much on the trial and wanting it removed from my life that I do not ask God to help me see how He is present and working. I am thankful though, that He is drawing me to ask for His help and ready without reproaching me to give it.

I hope this reminder of God's character gives you hope again and a desire to ask for His wisdom as you go through the daily trials you face.

My affirmation for today:
Freely expressing the wisdom of Spirit, I am guided in right ways.
As I drive through unfamiliar territory to reach my destination, I may use a global positioning system--a GPS. Such an electronic guide provides me with information quickly and efficiently.
I have been created, however, with an inner GPS--God's powerful spirit--which safely guides me through the twists and turns of life. When I need to make a decision, when I seem to have more questions than answers, or when I just want assurance that I am on the right path, I trust the wisdom of Spirit within to guide me.
I am one with the wisdom of God, which is my assurance of being guided in right ways. My inner GPS is true and unfailing, giving me an opportunity to express the wisdom of Spirit in all that I do.

Blessed Be.

Respecting Other Faiths

2008-07-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

At Sacrament Meeting yesterday, our speaker was a High Councilman from our Stake. I know he meant well. He was talking about missionary work and gaining a stronger testimony though referring non-members to the Elders for investigative purposes. Something we should all do.

The main body of his speech focused more on what was wrong with other Churches, how they are missing out on the True Gospel, etc. If I had been a non member sitting in that sacrament meeting, I would have been highly offended and never came back. The speech rang of eliteness and self righteousness. Yes, there was some humility as the Brother bore his testimony. Some tears, no doubt heartfelt.

We need to be careful and be repectful to other religions. I wonder how many Mormons that have been raised in the Church, have ever even attended another Church. I feel blessed that I am a convert, and had to search for the Church. I read many other philosophies, attended many Churches and had a lot of contact with people from other faiths, religions and cultures. I was truly searching, and sometimes still do. Often when I have a need or a question that I am praying about, a Buddist saying will answer my prayer.

We must remember, there is Truth everywhere, and Heavenly Father loves and respects us all. He doesn't love us more because The Gospel has been restored and we belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We must honor and respct other religions as Sacred. We must remember that we are role models for The Church, not only outside of the building, but inside the Chapel also. You never know who is sitting there.

"You must speak straight so that your words may go as sunlight into our hearts."

~ Cochise "Like Ironweed" CHIRICAHUA APACHE

"Come into my heart this morning. Allow me this day to live in the now. Help me to see all the beauty You have created in all things.

Let me know myself.

Today, as I make mistakes, let me see them as lessons. Guide me. When I see others make mistakes, let me honor them for where they are. Let me realize that they are Your children and only You, my Grandfather, knows what is really going on. When my lips move, let the words be Your words. "

Allow me to have the courage to speak Your truth.

Affirmation on Creativity

2008-07-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

I am creative, giving shape and form to unlimited ideas. Blessed with talents and abilities that enrich my life, I express myself in meaningful, creative ways. As I pray and meditate daily, I build on a consciousness that encourages me to be creative. I am original in the way I speak and act. Rather than responding negatively to a perceived slight, I relax and reach out to others with patience and understanding. Having released limiting perceptions and habitual ways of thinking, I am free to be truly creative in every aspect of my being. Creativity is a capacity to be inventive that gives shape and form to unlimited ideas.

"For I am about to create new heavens and a new earth; the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I am creating."

Isaiah 65:17-18

Police have praised the actions of two missionaries who came to the aid of a woman being attacked with a knife in Nollamarra.

2008-07-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

Two missionaries of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints assisted in saving a pregnant woman’s life when she was being attacked by a man in Nollamarra, Australia, on July 10th. After getting the attacker away, the missionaries were able to get the victim to safety as the police retrieved the man. One of the missionaries said they are not trained for such situations but are always looking for ways to render service. See full story here.

A Glimpse Of Perfection

2008-07-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

Can I live a whole day in Grace?

Grace is always with us. It flows like a river through our lives, artfully reminding us that there is magic and power beyond what our eyes can see. At times we catch its subtle beauty, like during chance meetings, near misses, and insights that seem to come from nowhere. Other times we experience grace in all its powerful surety such as when a job or relationship comes to an end. Though we may forget that this is grace at work too, it is indeed influencing our lives, helping us to move forward and take the next step. Grace exists in all situations, in every moment, yet all too often we may overlook its presence.

Imagine how it would feel to live an entire day in grace, to fully appreciate that your day is unfolding in absolute perfection. Whereas usually you might miss the magic in ordinary events and interactions, on this day you would recognize them all as little miracles. Perhaps you could begin with your first deep breaths in the morning, becoming aware that there is an abundant supply of air for you to breathe. Your lungs know just how to carry oxygen to your blood, and your blood knows where to carry it from there. This is grace at work. You might appreciate the brilliant sunshine, the warm summertime rain, or the possibilities for learning that greet you at every turn. You might notice the ease with which you do your job or laugh with a close friend. These things are also grace. Even laying your head down at the end of this day and resting in the stillness of night is grace.

With each opportunity you give yourself to enjoy this current of benevolence, you may discover a deeper peace. Your faith may strengthen and your heart may open. You might begin to wonder if struggle is really all that necessary after all. By living this one day in grace, you might open the door to many more.

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants us to know...
....that he who eats till he is sick must fast till he is well.
That is a Hebrew proverb, and it has to do with a lot
more than food. Look to see what behaviors you are
indulging in over and over again that are clearly not
serving you. Then, go on a "bad habit diet."
Pick one bad habit, one bad behavior, a day for five days.
Stop doing the stuff you're doing that obviously
does not serve you--or others.

Neale Donald Walsch

Moving Forward

2008-07-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot of starting a blog which includes my LDS personna, who I am inside. I have been a sports writer and blogger for years. I write and research constantly. I am online more than I am not. My LDS-ness does not show in my writing.

What has been bothering me is I spend more time thinking about writing about NASCAR, than I do about The Gospel. Who is my God? Am I putting Him above all else? He has provided me with so much...so many blessings and a talent that allows me to be creative, stay at home, and do what I love to do.

I can at least give Him as much time as I give NASCAR.

And so I shall.

Do I care that anyone reads what I write here? Not particularly, but yes, in some ways. I recently left an abusive marriage, and I know there are many LDS and non member woman dealing with the same, whether they are, or are not, still in the relationship. Bringing emotional and physical abuse into the Light is something I truly feel the Lord has called me to do.

We all have been created to be Goddesses. He loves us. He want us to honor ourselves as He does.

That is what this blog will be about. The role of The Gospel in our lives and developing a more loving relationship with ourselves, so we can truly love Him more.